Bentley's Baby Quotes

Bentley is a boy of many words and questions. Those of you who know him are smiling and nodding your head in agreement right now. When I say the boy does not stop talking....I mean from sun up to sun down. He wakes up every morning running/crawling/slithering/climbing into our room asking if we can pretend to be the (fill in blank with any animal) family and immediately starts talking about all the things we can do as this particular animal family. He goes to bed trying to squeeze in a few last words, questions, thoughts, prayers before he closes his eyes and says good night. Yesterday I came in from work and I heard his little voice going upstairs in his room, a mile a minute, and I just smiled. Michel immediately welcomed me home, looks at me with relief, and passes the question-handling torch. My turn. We have implemented a 45-minute time period at dinner, by which he must be done eating his food in order to get fruit for dessert. Otherwise he will talk the entire dinner and not eat a thing. So now he tells us, "After I am done eating, remind me I have something very important to tell you." Joking aside I love this chatter box, his curiosity and the life he brings to our home. Sometimes it is just a little t.i.r.i.n.g. Some of you have children like this, and I suspect you are smiling thinking of them and the life they bring (and maybe nodding in sympathy too).

One positive is that we always know what Bentley is thinking. ALWAYS. Which I love and I cherish. And so since I've been pregnant we have been able to follow along with his trail of thoughts, questions, observations, and realizations about the baby, in real time. So I started writing them down. There will likely be a round 2 to this post at the end of my pregnancy, perhaps a round 3 once baby boy is born. They are in chronological order, so they get better as you go!

First morning after we told him, B's first words were "mom how big is the baby now??" And the same question an hour later...it's going to be a long wait for him!

First day after we told him, at pre-school: "Guess what, my mom has a baby in her tummy!" To everyone he sees. Good thing we waited to get through the first trimester to tell him.

"Don't worry mom, I can change the baby's diapers, I saw Moses and Elijah's mommy changing their diapers so I know how now."

"Dad, we need to build a wall in the play room so we can separate my toys and the baby's toys. I don't think he knows how to play with my toys and he might break them."

A few weeks later...Still talking about that wall in the play room to separate his and the baby's toys...he will be in for a rude yet necessary awakening when it's time to share his parents, his house, others' attention, his life with this baby!

"Mom, can I learn how to change the baby's diapers and that will be one of my new chores?" Oh yes you can sweet boy!

"Mom, is that a maternal clothes?" he asks me many mornings after I am dressed for work.

"Mom, for Christmas I am going to get you some maternal clothes so your belly won't be tight and my baby won't get hurt." Perhaps I should take note that my regular clothes are getting too tight?

"Mom, why are these bigger (pointing to my chest)? I thought the baby was growing in your stomach?" No response but a stunned, blank stare from me.

B, distraught for a third day in a row: "Mom, its just not fair that girls have 4 private parts and boys have only 2." (Note:  Bottom counts as 1 and chest as 2 for those trying to do the math.) Michel's response when I asked him how I should respond: "One day he will appreciate the extra 2 private parts girls have." 

"Those (referring to my boobs, again) should not be a private part if that is where milk comes out for the baby! Eww!" I had to explain the feeding process since B was insisting on being the first one to feed the baby using his old Cars sippy cup.

Another "It's not fair!"..."That is not fair at all that boys cannot be pregnant. I will never have a baby but girls can." Yep saving this for wedding material. No sympathy for you on this one, dude.

After explaining what the feeding process will be for the new baby (for the tenth time, Bentley is very intrigued by it all)..."Oh, so you are going to be like the baby's sippy cup!" 

"Mom how come the baby is naked in your tummy? Eewww that's gross."

B: "Mom why does your tummy hurt, do you have too much milk in there?" 
Me:  No, sometimes when you are pregnant you don't feel well.
B: "Oh so you don't have milk in there?"
Me: No, my body makes milk for the baby after he is born.
B: "Oh. Well, then why are your chest-es growing so big already?" 
Should we be concerned by his chest obsession at the age of 4? Goodness gracious. Michel says no, he is a dude.

Naming the reindeer around Christmas time.."Dasher, Dancer, Cancer..." 

A few days before Christmas: "Mom I'm going to walk next to you and take you around the house since we don't have a donkey for you to ride on."

Bentley's suggestions on possible baby brother names include Pee and Poop. We will no longer be seeking his input.

"When I am 8 and my baby brother is 4 can we share a room?" He likes figuring out how old the baby will be when he is a certain age.

"Mom, I will be helping you with everything you need to take care of our baby. Don't worry. (A few seconds pause...) What did you do without me when I was a baby? You didn't have anyone to help you?!" :) 

My Heart is in Heaven Today

December 7th. Just a fleeting thought of this day brings tears flowing, and has since May. We just finished the amazing Christmas in Middleburg celebration with parades and Santa rides and friends and so much wonder. It is my favorite day in Middleburg and such a wonderful way to celebrate the Christmas season. Bentley joined his school classmates in the afternoon parade and had the best time.

So why these tears...well, December 7th was my due date, for the baby we lost earlier this year. Although I spent only 10 weeks carrying that little life, it was already part of me, my soul, my life, my future plans. I spent weeks of nausea and throwing up dreaming of that baby. I was still throwing up when I went to my appointment at 9 weeks, expecting to hear a heartbeat, only to learn the life had stopped growing and their heart was not beating. My heart fell out of my chest when I first noticed the concerned look on the doctor's face when she was trying to find the heartbeat. I was shocked and felt so alone. I knew that miscarriage happens more often than I knew, but it never crossed my mind leading up to this appointment that it could happen to me. Michel had stayed home with Bentley that day. I expected to record a heartbeat on my phone for him.

The doctors said all they could. A nurse who lost 3 babies to miscarriage came to talk with me. But that pit in my soul was burning. I was stunned and distraught and heartbroken all at the same time. Why would God give us a new life, only to then turn around and take it away? This made no sense to me.

I sat in the parking lot and cried some more and was finally composed enough to drive home. It was a surreal out of body experience. I had to call my parents who were anxiously waiting to hear good news. There was not good news. "There was no heartbeat," was all I could whisper.

For the next week as I waited for the baby to pass, I was numb and lifeless. As a dear friend said who had experienced miscarriage, "It feels as if the life has been sucked right out of you." It was almost too literal, but so very true. My husband was so patient, so caring, so kind, and looking back this was how God was speaking to me, letting me know He was still near. But I sat inside our house one day looking out at the sunshine, wondering if I would feel happy and up to "living life" again. When I went back in for a check-up the following week after nothing had happened, the doctor insisted we do a DandC procedure (when they remove the baby) because my body had not received the memo that the baby had stopped growing. It was still increasing the release of pregnancy hormones, which explained why I still felt so pregnant (and nauseous). Feeling pregnant when I knew I was no longer...I don't wish it on anyone.

The day of the procedure was surreal. As we pulled up to the hospital, the song, "It is well with my soul" was coming on and we sat in the parking lot and I wept. I knew I had a choice to make. It was either well with my soul or it wasn't. In times like these, where the loss and disappointment and heartbreak feels too much to bear, there is no in between. We can either take His hand and walk down the path with Him, or we can deny His love, His care, His hope, His plan. In that moment I had no choice but to claim that it was well with my soul. I did not understand. And let me add, I STILL do not understand. I may never understand. But I knew this baby was God's child, His to give and His to take away.

Smiling through tears before the procedure. This man was and is my rock.

Michel was sending updates to our families the day of the procedure. Lots of love and support surrounding us.

Over the next few months as I tried unsuccessfully to make sense of everything, I kept hearing the questions being asked of me:
"Do you want the life I have for you, or do you want to hold on to the dreams of the "ideal" life you think you want?"
"Is your current family, Michel and Bentley, enough? If you have no more children and adoption is not an option, will my current blessings be enough? Will I, God, be enough for you?"
Oh how I wrestled to say yes to God, that it was enough, and I would choose a content heart. Some days I was successful, some days not. But the more I kept submitting my spirit daily I began to crave the life God wanted for me instead of the life I thought I should have.

Fast forward 5 months and 2 days. It is October 9th and Michel and I are driving to the same hospital where I had my DandC procedure. I was once again pregnant (!!!) and we were going to our 12-week appointment. We heard a heartbeat at 8 weeks and were now having an ultrasound to see our baby for the first time. I was fighting anxiety over the health of this baby, and had been over the past 8 weeks, since learning I was pregnant again. Fear and hope wrapped in one. So when we saw a healthy baby via ultrasound and heard that heartbeat, so strong...the tears just flowed. Fear was released and hope was assured. It was in this same hospital that God chose to take away, and now God chose to give. Only God is the giver of life.

The drive home I will never forget. Once again, the tears flowed, just as they had after my DandC procedure, leaving the same hospital, traveling the same road home. But what was so striking to me was that I truly felt the same as I had felt leaving there 5 months ago...it was the unmistakable presence of God. His nearness. It had been amidst deep deep sadness before...this time it was amidst great joy, but it was the SAME. It was this light bulb, "Oh, this is why we can truly feel joy in all circumstances", because of the satisfying presence of God that is constant and better than any outcome in life we could hope or pray for. And this is why we hope in Jesus alone, not in a baby or a job or a husband or a life change or a better body or a house or a particular circumstance...it is His presence that is constant and can provide peace and joy no matter what. I suspect when my life is over that car ride will go down as one of the top 10 moments in my faith. I wept and wept. So grateful for Jesus as my constant in all things.

In some ways I needed this day to come to truly process this loss. In other ways I don't know that I will ever fully process it, let alone understand it. Despite the fact that I am 21 weeks pregnant with a new life, and despite the GREAT joy and gratitude I feel, there is still a loss over THIS life. I believe our baby is in heaven and I trust this with all my heart. I will meet him/her one day. They are in the arms of Jesus until then. We will celebrate them every year as a reminder that heaven is where we are all heading eventually, our true home. And so for now, I can look around and be grateful for EXACTLY what God has given to us.

In closing, here is a short letter I wrote to Bentley the day of my procedure as I was looking around at what I did have. God is everywhere, right in front of us. Regardless of how dark our circumstances, there is always some light somewhere. During this experience God's light was shining through Michel and Bentley and our amazing family and friends. I am thankful He uses them to show me His love on a regular basis.

Dear Bentley,

Today we will go in to have your little brother or sister removed from my tummy. You do not know that I've been carrying him/her, you only know that mama has been sick over the last few weeks and been to the doctor a lot this past week. Unfortunately he/she stopped growing and will not grow big enough to become a baby outside of my tummy. I know you have been praying for a baby brother and baby sister and we are also praying God will give us another one soon.

Through this disappointment of losing the baby in my tummy, do you know how much joy and comfort you have brought Papa and me? The day I found out that the baby was not growing, I came home and when I opened the door you came running to me saying "Mama Mama!" and jumped in my arms. It was exactly what I needed. The next morning I was so sad to wake up and remember that the baby was no longer growing. I was crying, sitting on my bed, and you came in and climbed up on my lap and just wanted to snuggle and hug me. Again, just what I needed.

I don't know what God has planned for your life. What I do know is you have already brought so much joy and so much life in your 3.5 years, and I know if you have brought us this much joy, you have brought God even more as He loves you more than we do! Even though it's hard to believe. You are such a gift and my hope and prayer is that you will bring joy to people who need it most, the joy that only comes from our loving Heavenly Father.

You are our greatest gift, as I tell you all the time. It is a privilege and blessing to be your mom. Keep being you!

Love you more than you know,
Mama

Giving kisses to his baby brother a few days ago.

Especially Thankful

Thankful. So thankful. For so many things. A great God, an amazing man who I call my husband, a beautiful little boy, parents who gave me a strong foundation and more love than I could have asked for, siblings who are among my closest friends, new friends and old friends, our health, jobs that provide for all we need and more, a warm house in the winter time...I could go on for many pages. So blessed and so grateful for so much. Life is not perfect and there are many things that are far from ideal (which I could also go on about, wink wink), but when I look around I have no choice but to choose gratitude!

Today we are especially thankful for a baby boy coming in April!!! We have been hoping and praying  that God would grow our family and are beyond ecstatic. We are so grateful for this gift of life, especially after losing one to miscarriage this past spring. We are more aware than ever that a new life is truly a miracle, one that only God can give, and his timing is perfect, even when it doesn't make sense. Bentley has literally been praying for two years for a little brother or sister. It's so special to experience this with him and see how he processes it all. This is "my baby" as he says, and he already has big plans for the many things he will do with his little brother. The comments he has made already during my pregnancy are just hilarious and I will have to do an entire post on those another time. He will be such a wonderful brother, teacher and friend. I keep reflecting on our journey with Bentley, from pregnancy to birth to now, and keep thinking, so giddy, "We get to do this all over again?!?" 

We had our ultrasound yesterday and so today we revealed the gender to our family that was with us (and by FaceTime for family that was not). One thing that struck me over the past 48 hours is how much LOVE is waiting for this little boy. We are now a family welcoming him, and when you add the extended family on both sides, and then friends....it starts to be overwhelming. 

Sweet boy, we cannot wait to meet you. There is SO MUCH LOVE waiting for you.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!!!

Our sweet baby boy. As soon as we got home Bentley was hanging the ultrasound pictures on our fridge. :)

We were blessed to have my brother Chris and sis-in-law Heather, and my sister Julie with us for Thanksgiving. They had to bite into their cake pop to find out boy or girl.

I made 3 batches of these little turkeys this week; a regular batch to wish teachers, colleagues, and people in town a happy thanksgiving, and a pink and blue batch for our Thanksgiving meal since I didn't know which we would need until Wednesday night.

It's a boy!

Tonight after all the fun: "Mom is Aunt JuJu a kid or a grown-up?" Surely a kid at heart. :)

He loves his aunts and uncles! Thankful to be living so close!